Rebecca Solnit concludes that true resilience—the ability to survive excruciatingly difficult experiences and not that sordid, glorified resilience taught, coached, and commodified in the personal development industry—is the willingness to deal with what comes next.

To transform into whatever must be.

I can imagine that the horizon on which perches this “whatever must be” shortens the more difficult situation or hardship until we realize that the horizon and the present moment are synonymous: I’m willing to become what is needed for right now.

Today was one of those days for me. A day that started out like most other days around 4am found me doing similar things to most other days. But the cracks in the foundation started to show themselves. A new rhythm with my children found me not wanting to exercise when I got home from school drop-offs. But I found a time to exercise around noon. A Zoom call was moved to a phone call because of the poor quality of…something. But we were willing to find a way around Zoom. A prospect who has nearly ghosted me communicated a bland and blurry message about still possibly using me for a project. But I responded politely as an entrepreneur does who’s thinking about his children and the Christmas season upon us. The final straw happened when LinkedIn ground to a halt. Pages wouldn’t load. Buttons disappeared. Profiles were hidden.

So, I ditched the day for reading at the bakery. The closest thing to giving the day the middle finger.

I had a partner-in-crime with Laura Belgray. Her book Tough Titties: on living your best life when you’re the f-ing worst is the sort of non-fiction that Venn-diagrams itself in both memoir and creative non-fiction. I’m not really sure to what extent Belgray elaborates and perhaps fictionalizes experiences, but I don’t care. Here’s a cohesive set of stories about a person who found that half-assing it through life paid off. Helped her find her niche. Tapped her talent. My sorry, over-achieving, work-harder-not-smarter self found a solid excuse to half-ass the day.

If Laura could do it, why couldn’t I?

I’m not sure how well it paid off. I enjoyed the reading, but I realized, too, how much I depend on endorphins to fuel my mental health. Those little, exercise-induced chemicals make me happy, keep me focused, and push me along this entrepreneurial minefield I’ve been crossing for a year-and-a-half. Perhaps the one thing I took away from it is this: if I’m going to have a Laura Belgray day, I better damn well exercise.

I think Laura would agree. After all, she ran her toenails right off her feet.

I didn’t feel better at the end of the day. Perhaps there’s something to half-assers half-assing and over-achievers over-achieving, though I’m not totally convinced having a PhD automatically makes one an over-achiever. I’m a plodder, a “Steady as she goes” sort of work horse. Which means what? I like to stay busy. I like to sweat. I like to see that EOD sees me with something accomplished. No, the day was not a total wash. I enjoyed the sunshine. I felt the kindness of the bakery owner Jaimie Powers; Rae Evemond took time out of her day to drive to the bakery, sit with me, talk with me; Hannah and Adriana tried to cheer me up from across the globe. And now, during a writing party, I see that I’m trying to make sense of what days like this can teach me.

At the very least, I’m gonna think twice before I take a Belgray Day again.

But I want more. I want to consider how today adds up when it comes to my willingness to deal with what comes next. Because at the point when LinkedIn decided to pop a squat on my plans for the day, I pivoted. Was it my best pivot? I’m unsure. Could I have pivoted a little more Michael Scott Overholt-y? I think so. Exercise for me is more of a necessity than it has ever been. I depend on its drugs, the clarity of mind that comes, and the energy gained from energy spent.

That’s the meaning I’ll make of it.

On my Laura Belgray day

On “distraction”

On the final day of summer